This is an old diary entry that I wrote a few months ago. Since Im sure you all miss me. I felt the need to share. Maybe someone is currently feeling this way. FYI this isn’t a scream for help lol, this is just healthy venting in public!
Well… here .. it is…
Titled Survival mode
You know that feeling you get when every morning you wake , you think of how your going to get through the day. That it’s Monday , can’t wait until Friday feeling. Or the don’t want to return to the real world after an vacation. It’s like we are forever in survival mode trying to make it pass the next obstacle or big break. The big fucking break that never last long. It’s like you get a nice crisp wind on a very hot day, you take it in ,smile and then boom it goes away and back to being hella hot. Leaving you waiting for the next wind to pass just so you can have that moment.
People tell you that you have to work hard in your 20s to get a little piece of the cake in yours 30s. Well that’s one big fucking lie, I feel like i’m working even harder now. You thought college was hard, shit that paper you have to hand in every other week for class is now your daily documentation at work. You thought financial aid , picking classes for next semester or picking a major was hard. Welcome to ongoing balancing your checking account , keeping up with your credit, filling out 3 hours long applications, and picking a career that makes money, that you actually enjoy. It’s like an neverending story, but wait…. We’re told this is just life. There will be better days, God will make you uncomfortable when it’s time for change, etc. All this motivational shit people will keep telling you , the same shit they keep telling themselves. Like is this really true or do we just tell ourselves these things over and over again until we believe them. Or do we suppress our real feelings and just move on because this is life. I am sick of being told that I am strong and that I am a survivor. Like we are really giving a choice.
Is this really what life is , am I going to be on survival mode forever. Is there always obstacles and hurdles after every fucking break.
No I did not add my question marks because I’m really not asking questions. Just screaming into my microphone hoping someone else hears me and understand what I’m going through. Life ain’t all rainbows and unicorns because boy do I wish.
I just need to find the silver lining n in this dark world called life that I’m currently going through.