I have been personally going through something lately, which I don’t mind disclosing/sharing with my readers. It’s MY blog, right! My personal yet public dairy. I may not share everything but at times, I don’t mind it. I want to write for thoses who can understand and feel what I go through. I’m sure that I am not the only person out here who just feels stuck.

And what I mean by stuck, is not being able to mentally and emotionally move on. Getting over a past lover is super duper hard. I’m not going to say Ex because it has a bad taste behind it. Well it does mean
“: one that formerly held a specified position or place; especially : a former spouse or former partner in an intimate relationship”. So fuck it Imma use the word. Glad I did my research lol.

My Ex recently DM me which fucked me up and had me relapse that fast. I was minding my own business and doing so good. Love is like a drug and now I feel like I need him, I miss him,I miss us.

I feel like I was going crazy and that no one would understand what I was going through. Until I Marco Polo (iphone users, it’s like facetime) my home girl and she was like, Girl I know exactly how you feel. I’m thinking if she knows how I feel then others must feel the same way.

I explained to her that after 9 years of being in and out of a relationship with my Ex and not seeing him since we broke up 2 years ago. I still love him the same exact way as I did when I first met him. I felt shameful for saying this because I was always told your not supposed to go back to your ex and you’re supposed to move on. But do we really move on?

No, we never stop loving people if we truly loved them. Yes, we can move on and fall for someone else. But that love you had for that person will always be there. You may not be in love with them anymore but whatever it was that made you love them in the first place, oh it’s still there. It’s deep down inside, maybe it’s suppressed or maybe your lying to yourself.

She called it a “soul tie” which is somewhat biblical  but I get it. It’s when souls become knit together , becoming one flesh, ties two souls together.I read about it and man the shit gets deep but it’s so real. What do you do when you think you have found your soulmate, you mesh so well together but yall break up. Like how are you supposed to go from Beyonce Dangerously in love and Ashanti’s Baby to being in ya room crying to Mary Js greatest hits and how can you mend a broken heart by Al green. Yes , I took it way back lol.

Why after 2 years, I just can’t let go? No guy, is HIM. No guy can come from behind me ,hug me and make me feel like I’m safe. No guy can tell me that I’m Beautiful and I can feel the words run through my entire body. Why can’t I just fucking move on. Why do I look at your social media page and pray that I don’t see something that I know will break my heart.

I know you’re reading this judging me, like move on, get over it. But clearly you haven’t thought you met your soulmate. Fuck, Why would he enter my life and make me so happy. Had me quoting Jill Scott. “I thought God had given up on me” and shit, then walk out of my life. I’m like we can work this shit out. And I’m sure many men and females felt this way before. We get the “ Oh, yall back together…Blah Blah…”

It’s like when people get married, separated then get back together. Maybe they needed that time to know that they were meant to be together all along. Maybe relationships can do the same thing. Maybe we need time apart to get our thoughts together or to find ourselves before we can be one. Or maybe we are  not meant to be together and my true love is out there, feeling the same way.

This reminds me of my favorite quote on love.

“ Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” – Erica Jong.

To therapy I go, cause with this shity dating pool, going back ain’t looking so bad.

I just wish I knew how a stupid “hey! How have you been” can turn me back into that love struck 21 year old girl.

So with that being said, I wrote him a 4 Page Letter sent it to his address enclosed it with “closure”. Or hopefully he ends up at my doorstep…..

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. – Unknown

If you love someone, you have to give them the freedom to choose for itself.

Can anyone relate? Or am I the only one who feels that the Universe has something waiting for me, and that something is him…

Signing off,

Almost crazy but normal unicorn!

Categories 30s, break-ups, relationships, UncategorizedTags

14 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. One of the realist and raw things I’ve read in a long time. I definitely can relate and it’s taken me yrs to get over my first love, my first heartbreak. You tackled on some issue that hit home for me. I’m just glad that with time I was able to heal & move forward because I was dangerously stuck!


  2. You’re not the only one.
    I thought I was crazy for feeling the way I do . One way I’ve been able to move on is by reminding myself that as much as I loved that person and I believed he loved me too, it wasn’t enough to make him stay . He chose to walk out of the relationship and there s nothing I can do about that . I’m in a better relationship now, but can you believe I still think about my ex and even cry sometimes? You can , lol. I tell myself to learn from that past relationship and move on because I don’t think he’s somewhere crying about me.


  3. Dope read….. You already know my thoughts, but after reading this I think you should hold out and see what that letter produces. You know, maybe you don’t know, but as men we sometimes need the reminder of how good something/someone is and why they are good for us. We at times have trouble seeing past our thoughts and to our hearts. Hopefully things will workout the way you planned them too….


  4. I definitely can relate to this post. It seems like when I’m in a tough spot in my life I reflect back on the good times with my ex. This week I wanted to reach out. Call it nostalgia or call it jut feeling sappy around the holidays. But nobody wants to end up alone no matter what they say especially as these temperatures drop. We want to be cuddled up with the one who understands us the most. Places a smile on our face with just the right joke. Right now you need strength bc closure is just something we tell ourselves we need for just one more interaction. Hopefully his intention when reaching out was something positive but most times when I go backwards I end up hating the fact that I caved in and gave in.


  5. Being pulled into the past is always painful. Take care.


  6. Facing the past is always hard. In addition, you can’t help who you love. Just never allow your heart to be a revolving door, especially if pain is associated with the experience. Being single is getting old as I get older and it’s frustrating. How many times does a past lover get to reclaim themselves. Ugh.


    1. I think it depends on the nature and circumstances of the situation. If it’s toxic than yes you have to let it go. But if you’re able to work it out and fight for it enough that you can say that you tried. No one really has the answer. The best way to get over a person is to get a new one but clearly that’s not happening here

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This is such a good read. I agree that true love is hard to get over. It’s not easy to just move on with someone you’ve known and been with for a long time. I’ve been in that situation before. I think it depends on the mindset of the person. For me, it took a lot of strength for me to get over my ex but I did it. I still will always love him though. Love can be good and bad. It’s up to you to choose which is better or for worst for your life.


  8. Getting over someone is difficult in my eyes but it’s required. Certain people are just not made to be apart of your life. I’ve been married and divorced. I loved my ex wife with all my heart. We just couldn’t grow together. I love her as a person and that’s it. I can’t see myself going back to her. Since her I’ve dated a few other woman that don’t compare to my ex. I don’t want them to either I want them to treat me better then she did. But, people make up and break up every day. All I can say is follow your heart. If it’s worth fighting for in your eyes, go for it. At some point you will realize if it’s worth it or not.


  9. Veronique Murphy January 3, 2018 — 3:34 pm

    I definitely feel you Ish. I myself have been in a 10 year relationship with my child’s father. Broke up 2 times for like 2 weeks total. Told myself I was strong enough to carry on alone only to find myself going back to him because he has my heart. I love him very much but everything has an expiration. I hope he pops the question before his time runs out. Good luck to you and your search for love. It’s out there and it will most likely show up when you least expect/ are concerned about it.


  10. Omg new friend!!! You just spoke my life…it’s so sad and crazy!! Smh


  11. You are not alone. I feel the same about my college sweet heart. She still has that hold on me.


  12. Shukran for being so honest with your readers.. that was def raw and uncut… now stop beating urself up with because u still’s normal.. social media has us thinking we are just supposed to stop feeling and move on… but unfortunately affairs of the heart are intricate because they are based on so many things..I believe that we get into relationships based on our weaknesses a lot .. like we find that person who fills that part of us that’s missing…almost like a puzzle piece …and they either build that weakness up and complete us or they manipulate it and break us. The problem comes because we think so black and white with it.. and dealing with the heart is always a gray area… it’s perfectly normal and acceptable to feel for this person.. it would be weird if u didn’t the key is finding out if y’all both are at a point where ur building on each other’s weaknesses and making them stronger or exacerbating them and making them worse. In my opinion anyhow….. And remember Allah has already written the name of your spouse next to yours…strengthen your relationship with Allah be patient and make dua…


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